


Why?

by PatPrecieux



Series: Questions [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s04e01 The Six Thatchers, Gen, Introspection, POV John Watson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9172099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/pseuds/PatPrecieux
Summary: John tries to understand his life after TST.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, the first thing that comes to his mind is "Why"?

John sat in the dark room wanting a drink so bad his skin crawled. But Rosie was sleeping in the next room. If he could give her nothing else, at least he could stay sober. Alone with his thoughts, John Watson asked himself :

Why? Why didn't God just let me die in Afghanistan ?

Why? Why did I walk through that park that day only to meet Mike Stamford?

Why? Why did that have to be the day Sherlock decided he needed a flatmate?

Why? Why didn't I run away from that man in the lab who was CLEARLY a madman?

Why? Why did I not only move in with him, but kill for him that first day?

Why? Why did I stay and become addicted not only to his life of adventure but to the man himself?

Why? Why did he "jump" leaving me as broken on the pavement as he was?

Why? Why did she have to come into my life? And when she did, why did he have to come BACK into my life?

Why? Why did I marry when I still craved the freedom and excitement of single life, single life with Sherlock?

Why? Why was she a phantom, this woman I came to call A.G.R.A.? Why was a "stranger" pregnant with our child?

Why? Did I go back to her, but STILL covet my old life?

Why? Why having done that, did I concern myself with a drug addicted "friend" who put everyone around him in danger?

Why? Why after holding my precious daughter in my arms, did I trail after a sociopath and an assassin as if seeking a pure and upright life?

Why? Why did I keep E's contact number and start something I had no intention of finishing? What was I missing?

Why? Why did MARY jump, not from a roof, but from our life to seek Christ knows what, and why did I follow Sherlock across the globe after her, leaving Rosie without both her parents?

Why? Why did I send my wife, the mother of our child to that aquarium to face the unknown with Sherlock whilst I looked for a babysitter for shits sake?

Why? Why did Mary put Sherlock's life ahead of Rosie, of me?

Why? Why, like the roof, was I too late, again?

Why? Why am I blaming Sherlock not only for his sins, but for Mary's and mine as well?

Why? Why rebuke Sherlock for breaking his vow, when I could not keep my own?

Why? Why, now that I say I hate him, do I still stare after him through shuttered window blinds needing him like the air I breathe?

Why? Why if I loved her, married her, stayed with her despite her lies and deceit, why as I sit here alone, a widower and single father, filled with grief and anger and despair, why am I not sorry that the "problems of her future" are no longer mine?

Why? Why, even though I miss my dead wife, do I miss my friend Sherlock even more?

Why? Why, God above, is everything always my fault? Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Many fans are angry at John today. I just can't be. 
> 
> Mary confronts him with her opinion that it isn't easy being with him because he's perfect. He isn't, and no one knows that better than he does.
> 
> He turned to Mary thinking Sherlock was dead. He stayed with her because of the baby AND Sherlock's insistence.
> 
> Was his on line cheating (and I choose to believe it was mental only) distasteful? Absolutely! Was it heinous? No, human. No one wants to let John behave like a human man. I do.
> 
> As for blaming Sherlock, HE suggested Mary go to the Aquarium first. If he doesn't blame Sherlock, he has to blame himself. For once, I don't think John Watson, human being, can stand to say "why is everything always my fault" again.
> 
> I have faith for better times, hope you all do too. <3 Pat


End file.
